Meeting of the Minds

Phone dings. An email comes in. It's him. I haven't heard from him in almost two months. Last time I hear from him is a death in his family that he believes I should know about. Never met the family member. If I did I was too young to remember. His family hasn't exactly been the kindest in reaching out since his father died. We are after all the "odd" family.

The kids ask who it is, and I lie. It's just junk mail, no worries. How do I tell them, it's a family member who sent a two word group email? No phone calls and/or visits in the last three months of birthdays and Christmas.

It's a cat and mouse game. He's angry with me for not pursuing him. I'm angry that I have to pursue and continue to reassure myself that I am worthy of his love. Yet I question it.

I feel unable to be myself around him, every move, every thing about me is heavily scrutinized and questioned. Does it have a double meaning? What am I really saying versus taking what I say for face value.

The next day the phone rings at an ungodly hour. It's him. I'm not answering. He woke me up. Forget it. He can call me back at a decent hour. He hangs up before voicemail kicks in. Doesn't want to talk to me that bad. Just enough that it should make me call and find out what's wrong. But I won't. I can't. Not this time.

So much has happened in the last few months, and none of it concerns him, other than distancing myself further from him. I find that the dysfunction seems to be down because of him and the mood swings that follows after a visit with him have subsided.

I cannot keep putting my mental and physical health in this kind of torture device. I need to put myself first and also think of my family. My children do not need to experience this pain. They feel it already when he has excuses for not attending their birthdays and holidays. They feel it when he comes into my home and finds something to put me down about. My health, my home, my appearance, my parenting. Something.

My brother states I must accept "him" for what he is, for I cannot change him. I must respect him because he is my parent figure. Yet, when I ask if he would allow this to happen with him, he states he doesn't take it personally and let's it roll off his back. He has bigger things to be upset about versus this. This angers me. As if I am not validated by my brother who endures the same mental/emotional abuse that I do, but on a different scale. This man refused to have children because of the emotional abuse we endured for fear of repeating the cycle. Yet I didn't, thinking I could break the cycle.

I must decide now what to do. Totally walk away or do some deep soul searching and come to an understanding of the minds.

Dec 09

The week has been filled with sick kids, sick husband, and my body trying to get sick as well. I refuse to get sick. I have too much to do and not enough time in the day to get it done. If I can't fit it in the schedule, forget it.

Husband has been diagnosed with type II diabetes. I'm having to learn what this is, and what I need to do to be supportive of him, how to help in food preparation for him, and what not to do so that I will not earn the name "enabler" in the house. Watching him get so sick this last week, I have broken down in tears on more than one occasion, to which it upsets him and he feels I'm being over-dramatic. Because I look at the bigger picture and think about the possibilities of what could be, what could have been, and how it is now. He looks at only the here and now.  At times I wish I could compartmentalize as easy as he does. At other times I wish he could see what I see.

No one wakes up and says "I think I'll watch my loved one get sick today", and no one wakes up and says "I think I'll eat until I get sick". But somehow this is what is happening. Each day he wakes, he eats something that is making him sick in one fashion or another.

This week has lead to some heartfelt talks at which we talked of even separation, but decided we both do not really want that. We know that things have to change and that we cannot continue down the same path. We've made an agreement that we both need to work on our relationship. I need to verbally tell him more of how much I appreciate him, and love him, and that we need date night at least once a week for us to reconnect, even if it's watching a movie from the library together at the house. I've expressed concern and anger that he knows that he has these health issues and does nothing about them, as if they will go away on there own. These health problems could potentially lead to death. If he does nothing to change his behaviors, and health then he chooses not to remain with me. Why would someone not want to extend their life to be with their loved one? Why are they so selfish not see that we are crushed without them? We married them for a reason? Not to watch them die from the day we say "I do" but to live together, love together, work together, grow OLD together. I've expressed to him I would be so angry if he could do something to potentially save/extend his life if he only changed "this or that" and he chose to do "nothing".

This week has been rough but in comparrison, it couldn't be anything to what my Aunt experienced caring for my uncle. It couldn't be anything now compared to what she or grandma are feeling not being able to say "happy birthday", "merry christmas", "happy father's day", "happy anniversary" or "I love you" to their men. And that breaks my heart putting things into perspective.

This week is full of homework, two days working at the school pta, a day working with the school district, and listening to a performance by my youngest for a concert. Eight more school days for them before winter break, and 10 more school days for me for winter break.