Classes begin today. I'm thrilled to crack open brand new fresh text-book, a sharpened pencil, and a clean slate of paper. Anything is possible.
Last night, I spent two and a half hours text my daughter on Facebook trying to be a sounding board for her, and help her understand and come to terms of being a upcoming mom and being an adult now.
She said some very profound things. I shared with my BFF as another sounding board to make sure I'm not getting sucked in. She felt the same thing I did. She was genuine and sincere and was making profound statements.
I will continue to pray for her and her new forming family.
I cannot put a finger on to the exact feeling that dwells within me. I want to say whole, or at one, or at peace but I'm not sure if there is a word to combine all.
Seventy four days until I go back east to see my best friend. I cannot wait. I have not had a break in almost 2.5 years. When I say break it means that I have not gotten away from family to have a bit of me time, or girl time. It allows me to recharge, appreciate, and decompress, to step back.
Alot has been happening and I will have some surgeries this year that will have me confined to my bed for a couple of months. Get all the fun out now so I don't have cabin fever later, and appreciate the home. Maybe it's reverse psychology, I'm not sure.
Yesterday and this morning I have focused on putting my hand or fork down between each bite. chew my food thoroughly. Being mindful and present. I must say I'm proud of myself for doing this much.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Re:Focus
This week has been an emotional roller coaster, and I'm pretty sure I put on a couple of pounds because of it. Lack of sleep, and eating more calories than I should have. But as quickly as I did it I have stopped myself now to realize I cannot afford the slide backward.
Spoke to my daughter via the wonderful invention of skype yesterday. I have not seen, nor talked to her in two years. Both of us exchanged appologies, tears, and laughs. I'm going to be a grandma. she's due my Uncle's would be birthday.
I don't know how to explain everything but I am starting to feel at peace, and harmony with balance. Things are coming together with family. They say that this is a 6 year in numerology and it will be about balance and harmony. Maybe the stars are right for me now.
Tomorrow begins a new set of classes for my school, business math, college algebra, and excel spreadsheets. Math has been a good subject for me, I only hope that I can keep up my GPA.
This week's focus for me:
I can and will do this. I did it before I can do it again.
Spoke to my daughter via the wonderful invention of skype yesterday. I have not seen, nor talked to her in two years. Both of us exchanged appologies, tears, and laughs. I'm going to be a grandma. she's due my Uncle's would be birthday.
I don't know how to explain everything but I am starting to feel at peace, and harmony with balance. Things are coming together with family. They say that this is a 6 year in numerology and it will be about balance and harmony. Maybe the stars are right for me now.
Tomorrow begins a new set of classes for my school, business math, college algebra, and excel spreadsheets. Math has been a good subject for me, I only hope that I can keep up my GPA.
This week's focus for me:
- Put down fork between bites
- Chew food thoroughly
- Sip water between a few bites
- Not to be mindless while eating.
I can and will do this. I did it before I can do it again.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Day 08
One of two surgeries is planned. I have scheduled my foot/tendon surgery for July 2nd. This gives me approximately 5 more months to lose as much weight as possible prior to the surgery. The more weight loss the better the recovery and when I am able to be weight bearing this will be better too.
How do I know this? When having foot surgery previously (2 bunions, 4 hammer toes on one foot) and (1 bunion, 4 hammer toes on the other foot) and both ankles were strengthened I was unable to put weight on the foot for at least 8 weeks. This meant staying in bed, leg/foot on stacked pillows, and a knee scooter to cart me back and forth to the bathroom where I did a series of awkward turns to get to the toilet. The bathroom, small was comedic for me to turn the scooter around and head back to the bed. On occasion I made the trip to the kitchen sink to wash my hair.
I cried during this recovery because of my size that it was hard to get comfortable and it was hard to get in and out of bed lifting my own dead weight. I vowed to lose the weight. However, that didn't stay in the forefront of my mind, and I guess this needed to be the reminder.
I am worth it. I have to take care of me because if I don't how can I be around to enjoy things?
How do I know this? When having foot surgery previously (2 bunions, 4 hammer toes on one foot) and (1 bunion, 4 hammer toes on the other foot) and both ankles were strengthened I was unable to put weight on the foot for at least 8 weeks. This meant staying in bed, leg/foot on stacked pillows, and a knee scooter to cart me back and forth to the bathroom where I did a series of awkward turns to get to the toilet. The bathroom, small was comedic for me to turn the scooter around and head back to the bed. On occasion I made the trip to the kitchen sink to wash my hair.
I cried during this recovery because of my size that it was hard to get comfortable and it was hard to get in and out of bed lifting my own dead weight. I vowed to lose the weight. However, that didn't stay in the forefront of my mind, and I guess this needed to be the reminder.
I am worth it. I have to take care of me because if I don't how can I be around to enjoy things?
Monday, January 7, 2013
Day 07
Finals this week for my school. I've just finished my word processing finals. Yes, believe it or not there are finals in this class. Having to create documents per their specifications and making it eye-catching, and appealing.
It's a good thing that there are no finals in life, per say. That each breath is a "start over" point if we choose. There are no finals in food. Saying this is it if I don't get this meal right it's over. I get to start over the next meal.
The day was filled with nontraditional meals as an experiment to myself. I could not handle it. I don't know how people do it. I like the traditional breakfasts, such as cereal, yogurt, cottage cheese, bagels & cream cheese, or bagels & lox, pancakes, waffles, and eggs. To make a sandwich (if it's not a home-made mcmuffin forget it) for breakfast befuddles me. I choose to eat the traditional things at designated meal times.
There are no finals in food unless we say I'm not going to eat this any more. And that final can change or remain.
It's a good thing that there are no finals in life, per say. That each breath is a "start over" point if we choose. There are no finals in food. Saying this is it if I don't get this meal right it's over. I get to start over the next meal.
The day was filled with nontraditional meals as an experiment to myself. I could not handle it. I don't know how people do it. I like the traditional breakfasts, such as cereal, yogurt, cottage cheese, bagels & cream cheese, or bagels & lox, pancakes, waffles, and eggs. To make a sandwich (if it's not a home-made mcmuffin forget it) for breakfast befuddles me. I choose to eat the traditional things at designated meal times.
There are no finals in food unless we say I'm not going to eat this any more. And that final can change or remain.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Day 05
Last night ended early. I woke myself up snoring about 7pm. My poor husband. It was going to be date night but I crashed. He understood. He knew the emotional baggage I carried. I love that about him. At times he knows me better than I know me.
My energy is slowly returning. As if to say here I am again. Teasing me. You're not 100% yet but almost.
Stepped on the scale today for my official weigh in. Down 3.3 lbs since the 1st. I'll take it. For that I am happy and will keep striving to go toward the 00 and break that.
The van died for the last time today. Hubby took the battery to the tire store where they put it on the charger for almost two hours to tell him what we knew. Dead as a door nail. New battery brought home and the van fired right up. Thank you God!
Dreamt of my father and brother last night. I bit my brother and wound up waking up as my father was trying to call my mother because I told him to take a flying leap. I guess the emotions were wreaking havoc last night and some underlying feelings are below the surface.
I will not eat through this emotion. I think of my husband and what we want to do for our future, and I will keep that in the forefront of my brain. I do this for myself. I do this fur us.
I will strive to be lean and build my self-esteem in 2013.
My energy is slowly returning. As if to say here I am again. Teasing me. You're not 100% yet but almost.
Stepped on the scale today for my official weigh in. Down 3.3 lbs since the 1st. I'll take it. For that I am happy and will keep striving to go toward the 00 and break that.
The van died for the last time today. Hubby took the battery to the tire store where they put it on the charger for almost two hours to tell him what we knew. Dead as a door nail. New battery brought home and the van fired right up. Thank you God!
Dreamt of my father and brother last night. I bit my brother and wound up waking up as my father was trying to call my mother because I told him to take a flying leap. I guess the emotions were wreaking havoc last night and some underlying feelings are below the surface.
I will not eat through this emotion. I think of my husband and what we want to do for our future, and I will keep that in the forefront of my brain. I do this for myself. I do this fur us.
I will strive to be lean and build my self-esteem in 2013.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Day 04
The day is winding down and I'm ready for bed. It's almost 5pm my time. I'm ready for bed.
Emotional wipe out. Fatigue. Worry. Contemplation. Thoughts of my future. My children's future.
I spoke with my baby's guidance counselor and she gave me a couple of books for her to read. Hopefully it will help.
The colonoscopy was not great. They found 3 cancer polyps and 1 pre-cancerous polyp. They were removed but now we need to talk in a week or two. Do I need a bag or a di-section of the intestines, or something else.
I look forward to my head hitting the pillow, closing my eyes and putting all of this week behind me.
Emotional wipe out. Fatigue. Worry. Contemplation. Thoughts of my future. My children's future.
I spoke with my baby's guidance counselor and she gave me a couple of books for her to read. Hopefully it will help.
The colonoscopy was not great. They found 3 cancer polyps and 1 pre-cancerous polyp. They were removed but now we need to talk in a week or two. Do I need a bag or a di-section of the intestines, or something else.
I look forward to my head hitting the pillow, closing my eyes and putting all of this week behind me.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Day 03
Today was grandma's grocery day. After putting her off for almost a week, I finally took her. As she shopped I decided to go to the housewares, household items (linens, bedding) sporting goods and so on. Fred Meyers (Kroger) is my all in one stop here.
My stomach growled as I walked the isles. Doritos called out to me. The donuts called out to me. The regular coke called out to me. Instead I found bedding that I want and will put on my wish list. I looked at the dishes and picked out ones if I could get that those would be it.
It was time for her to cash out and she asked if I was going to purchase anything. Nope. Nada. I was quite proud to come home and make my breakfast. Hash browns, eggbeaters, and veggie sausage.
The day followed with me eating a salad for lunch with flaked salmon and then I spent two hours in the Dr office with my little one. Where she proceeded to have some melt downs and I climbed the walls. Oh how I wanted a full strength coke. 150 calories. With daughter crying, and me trying to calm her for several things we arrived home, to her asking her daddy for out dinner. (Out dinner consists of local fast food drive through come home and eat it). Daddy caved and went.
I couldn't handle another salad (IBS) cannot handle too much raw veggies in one day. So I ordered a plain mcchicken and medium fries. 18 points ww says. Not a normal dinner point menu I would consume, but given that I still have an additional 12 points to devour after dinner I think I will be okay. And the diet Shasta in the fridge hit the spot.
There is something in your gut that kicks in when your baby is in distress and you will do whatever you can to care for that baby and make the problems go away. Universe hear me roar. Don't mess with my cub!
I anxiously await tomorrow to end as tomorrow I have to go in for a medical procedure and I just want it to be over with. I don't want to hear the alarm go off on Saturday to awake me.
I have one more assignment that is two parts to complete for the week along with my 6 class discussion replies. One more week of these three classes and then I start off the new ones.
Just get me through another day. I can do this.
I strive to be lean and build self esteem in 2013.
My stomach growled as I walked the isles. Doritos called out to me. The donuts called out to me. The regular coke called out to me. Instead I found bedding that I want and will put on my wish list. I looked at the dishes and picked out ones if I could get that those would be it.
It was time for her to cash out and she asked if I was going to purchase anything. Nope. Nada. I was quite proud to come home and make my breakfast. Hash browns, eggbeaters, and veggie sausage.
The day followed with me eating a salad for lunch with flaked salmon and then I spent two hours in the Dr office with my little one. Where she proceeded to have some melt downs and I climbed the walls. Oh how I wanted a full strength coke. 150 calories. With daughter crying, and me trying to calm her for several things we arrived home, to her asking her daddy for out dinner. (Out dinner consists of local fast food drive through come home and eat it). Daddy caved and went.
I couldn't handle another salad (IBS) cannot handle too much raw veggies in one day. So I ordered a plain mcchicken and medium fries. 18 points ww says. Not a normal dinner point menu I would consume, but given that I still have an additional 12 points to devour after dinner I think I will be okay. And the diet Shasta in the fridge hit the spot.
There is something in your gut that kicks in when your baby is in distress and you will do whatever you can to care for that baby and make the problems go away. Universe hear me roar. Don't mess with my cub!
I anxiously await tomorrow to end as tomorrow I have to go in for a medical procedure and I just want it to be over with. I don't want to hear the alarm go off on Saturday to awake me.
I have one more assignment that is two parts to complete for the week along with my 6 class discussion replies. One more week of these three classes and then I start off the new ones.
Just get me through another day. I can do this.
I strive to be lean and build self esteem in 2013.
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