I feel like I can't catch a break with sleep, as if I can't get enough sleep. It is what it is, I guess.
I went to the dentist yesterday and it wasn't good. My gums are receding, puffy, inflamed and he asked if I was under stress. I laughed a faint laugh wondering how in the world he could really tell. As if my nervous laugh didn't give it away. I'm on the road to losing my teeth. My TEETH! Ewww. The flashes of the ex husband taking his upper plate out at night and kissing me good night come to mind. I don't want that feeling again. Not to the man I love. Not to myself. Hot tears slipped down into my hair and ears. He said I didn't need to tell him what it was, but needed to find a way to channel the stress because now it is affecting my smile.
I am told to dip my toothbrush 4 times a day in a heavy saltwater bath and brush my gums to reduce the swelling, puffiness, and redness, followed by gargling. It stings, hurts, and tastes gross, as I have done this twice yesterday after returning home. My entire mouth hurts. And people want to know why I use nitrosoxide to just do a teeth cleaning. Bad experiences, sensitive teeth I detest dentists.
I've managed to finish two of my classes for the week, and just left with a team project in my other class. I have some PTA things to do. If I can cram it all in and get it done earlier than later, I can maybe have a couple of days to do NOTHING..Just veg and maybe catch up on the rest that my body seems to be craving.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Day 10
I slept off and on from 4pm to 9am this morning. More on than off. I feel rested but hurt in my lower back.
The last few days has been filled with laughter, memories in the making, and memories of yester year with my aunt visiting. Unfortunately she had to go home last night. By unfortunate I mean that our time seems to fly with every visit, never stagnant, always learning something new about each other, and helpful to each other (I hope) in analyzing problems, or troubling thoughts, or patterns.
We made chocolate balls, and candied pretzels. We had our fill of turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes.
Why does it take someone to be sick, or die for us to realize again or being reminded again what family is and why God gave us family? While I understand family can't be chosen, there are some pretty interesting people in our family if we just reach out and communicate with them.
My aunt was married to my uncle for twenty six years. They lived approximately 1-1/2 hours-2 hours away from us during some of those years, and yet it was like we were on a different planet. Too far to reach out..The misunderstandings of what was said what or what the intentions were behind the words.
Why? Why does death do this?
I've heard the nasty things my cousins have done or said to my aunt, and I cringe. How can we come from the same family? Really? Our families were supposed to have the same morals, the same values, the same life lessons yet it's like we are unrelated, unknowing, and alien to each other. I understand that their mother and they may have been hurt by the divorce from my other aunt, but when did it become okay to treat another human with sub-human standards? When did it become okay to treat someone with the disrespect that they do? Don't they realize she's grieving too? Why must their mother brain wash them?
My brother never called or came by to wish my mother Happy Thanksgiving. Yet he has time to post on face book, and go out with his daughters former boss. My mother says she hasn't seen him since our trip return from Maui. He used them. It hurts. It hurts that mother can't see this. It hurts that we came from the same womb and he can treat our mother the way that he does. He's sponged off of her for years, and doesn't hesitate to say no when she offers him anything. We don't see eye to eye on anything. He feels I got everything handed to me and he suffered. I say he got to do far more than I ever did and is still living off our parents and they continue to enable his behavior. I'm angry with him and my father. Angry that they have treated us so rotten.
The last few days has been filled with laughter, memories in the making, and memories of yester year with my aunt visiting. Unfortunately she had to go home last night. By unfortunate I mean that our time seems to fly with every visit, never stagnant, always learning something new about each other, and helpful to each other (I hope) in analyzing problems, or troubling thoughts, or patterns.
We made chocolate balls, and candied pretzels. We had our fill of turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes.
Why does it take someone to be sick, or die for us to realize again or being reminded again what family is and why God gave us family? While I understand family can't be chosen, there are some pretty interesting people in our family if we just reach out and communicate with them.
My aunt was married to my uncle for twenty six years. They lived approximately 1-1/2 hours-2 hours away from us during some of those years, and yet it was like we were on a different planet. Too far to reach out..The misunderstandings of what was said what or what the intentions were behind the words.
Why? Why does death do this?
I've heard the nasty things my cousins have done or said to my aunt, and I cringe. How can we come from the same family? Really? Our families were supposed to have the same morals, the same values, the same life lessons yet it's like we are unrelated, unknowing, and alien to each other. I understand that their mother and they may have been hurt by the divorce from my other aunt, but when did it become okay to treat another human with sub-human standards? When did it become okay to treat someone with the disrespect that they do? Don't they realize she's grieving too? Why must their mother brain wash them?
My brother never called or came by to wish my mother Happy Thanksgiving. Yet he has time to post on face book, and go out with his daughters former boss. My mother says she hasn't seen him since our trip return from Maui. He used them. It hurts. It hurts that mother can't see this. It hurts that we came from the same womb and he can treat our mother the way that he does. He's sponged off of her for years, and doesn't hesitate to say no when she offers him anything. We don't see eye to eye on anything. He feels I got everything handed to me and he suffered. I say he got to do far more than I ever did and is still living off our parents and they continue to enable his behavior. I'm angry with him and my father. Angry that they have treated us so rotten.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Day 09
I am awakened to the sounds of someone throwing up. At first I think I didn't hear it right and that it must have been on the television or even a noise that wasn't that. As I open my eyes and look at the clock it says in amber numbers 3:38. As I look to the right I see that my husband is not in bed and I hear the sound again. I have now realized it wasn't a dream, and it was what I thought it was. How can I drown this sound out? I hate this sound. It is followed by whining, stomping of the feet back across the room, to his side of the bed, with a loud and large flop as if he's throwing himself onto the bed and another way for him to let me know he's sick and for me to wait on him. I wait, it's coming. The door opens, he's dressed and heading to the kitchen. He's going to work. No sick time left, no vacation time left. Again, how do I remove the echoed sounds of him from the bathroom out of my head and fall back asleep. I read for 30 minutes until I feel myself ready to fall back asleep. It's now almost 4:30am.
I'm awakened again by an alarm blaring. I startle in bed and try to gain some composure. I hit snooze. I close my eyes, and it goes off again. I've lost 9 minutes but how? I just closed my eyes. I shut the alarm off on the phone, and begin to dial the school.
Little one has been standing up and her eye sight is blacking out. She reaches for something, as she falls and hits the floor but misses. I've seen this happening four times this weekend. Only when she stands, not sitting. I thought at first she was being dramatic. But when a child falls without reaching out to protect themselves when they fall to the ground you know it's serious. We're recording all foods going in, exercise, and when it happens. The following came to mind; blood pressure, sodium, diabetes, brain tumor. We have an appointment with the Dr and will see what happens.
My lower back is hurting. I am wondering if it's sciatic nerve? Two more days until I meet with the PA. Until then I'll just keep noting it.
I'm awakened again by an alarm blaring. I startle in bed and try to gain some composure. I hit snooze. I close my eyes, and it goes off again. I've lost 9 minutes but how? I just closed my eyes. I shut the alarm off on the phone, and begin to dial the school.
Little one has been standing up and her eye sight is blacking out. She reaches for something, as she falls and hits the floor but misses. I've seen this happening four times this weekend. Only when she stands, not sitting. I thought at first she was being dramatic. But when a child falls without reaching out to protect themselves when they fall to the ground you know it's serious. We're recording all foods going in, exercise, and when it happens. The following came to mind; blood pressure, sodium, diabetes, brain tumor. We have an appointment with the Dr and will see what happens.
My lower back is hurting. I am wondering if it's sciatic nerve? Two more days until I meet with the PA. Until then I'll just keep noting it.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Day 08
When I awoke my back ached, shoulders ached, hips hurt. I just wanted it all to stop hurting. My Dr.'s office called Friday to tell me she's taking maternity leave early and will be gone the rest of the year. I am seeing a physician's assistant (PA) on Wednesday now. I hope we can find some answers.
Yesterday I reached my breaking point. I cried at one point. I had a team assignment due. There was seven us on the team. I asked 2 team-mates to compose 5 questions each with answer key on classic conditioning theory and the theorists that developed or used it. I asked the remaining four to compose interesting facts about classic conditioning, the theorists, and at least three important concepts because of the conditioning. What did I receive? I received questions regarding operant conditioning, and cognitive learning. I received the same definition of classical conditioning 6 times. I received no facts, no pictures, no diagrams, no nothing. So Friday night and Saturday I spent creating a lecture power point for the class. I emailed the professor in tears who said forge forward and do it without them. Now I wait for it to be graded. 50 points for the assignment. Wish me luck.
I've gotten this weeks assignments and want to start on them today because I want to get done before Wednesday night when auntie comes for the holidays.
I went to the grocery store and picked up the stuff needed to make grandma's Christmas chocolate balls. We picked up a gingerbread house kit and a gingerbread train kit for this next weekend.
Family tradition is family Thanksgiving. Black Friday when everyone else is out getting crazy we pull out all our Christmas decorations, turn on the music and begin decorating the home, and bringing in the Christmas Spirit.
I have no idea what to do for the kids for Christmas this year. Our money is scarce/limited. The kids will be so upset.
Stress is not a pretty accessory.
Yesterday I reached my breaking point. I cried at one point. I had a team assignment due. There was seven us on the team. I asked 2 team-mates to compose 5 questions each with answer key on classic conditioning theory and the theorists that developed or used it. I asked the remaining four to compose interesting facts about classic conditioning, the theorists, and at least three important concepts because of the conditioning. What did I receive? I received questions regarding operant conditioning, and cognitive learning. I received the same definition of classical conditioning 6 times. I received no facts, no pictures, no diagrams, no nothing. So Friday night and Saturday I spent creating a lecture power point for the class. I emailed the professor in tears who said forge forward and do it without them. Now I wait for it to be graded. 50 points for the assignment. Wish me luck.
I've gotten this weeks assignments and want to start on them today because I want to get done before Wednesday night when auntie comes for the holidays.
I went to the grocery store and picked up the stuff needed to make grandma's Christmas chocolate balls. We picked up a gingerbread house kit and a gingerbread train kit for this next weekend.
Family tradition is family Thanksgiving. Black Friday when everyone else is out getting crazy we pull out all our Christmas decorations, turn on the music and begin decorating the home, and bringing in the Christmas Spirit.
I have no idea what to do for the kids for Christmas this year. Our money is scarce/limited. The kids will be so upset.
Stress is not a pretty accessory.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Day 07
Life can change in an instant, in a breath, in an hour, in a day. I woke up this morning not knowing with certainty what would happen, or how the day would play out, given the events from the night before.
I received a phone call from momma that daddy called her and needed to be taken to the emergency room, the nurse felt he was having a heart-attack. I could barely understand her, and when I hung up I questioned did I really hear her right?
I quickly looked at my husband, grabbed my purse, my cell phone and yelled as I began running down our over warn carpeted steps daddy's having a heart-attack I need to go help him for momma.
I got in the van, started it up and away we went. I looked over and my son was beside me putting on his flip-flops. Well I knew I wasn't alone and needed to keep my composure. I didn't even put my seat belt on, went to the stop-sign turned left, and sped to their home within four seconds. I got out ran to the door (against Dr.s orders of running) and tried to open the door. Locked. I fumbled through the four keys on the keyring trying to get the right key into the keyhole. I turned that key every way but the right way, finally the three locks unlocked I was able to get through the front door. I yelled out Daddy to him. He answered I'm in my room. There to the left of the stairway, down a small way, was the room they dubbed the "computer" room. Dad had an over sized chair, his large TV to watch his sports, his computer table, his laptop and his desktop in there. He was watching his soap. As I had walked in the door I yelled to my son, grab the kids (aka 9 week old brother and sister Siamese mix kittens) and put them in their room upstairs. He did so taking large steps missing others to get to the top quickly.
Daddy in his over sized chair, looking comfortable and not a care in the world looked shocked to see me. I asked why wasn't he ready. He said he wanted to wait until momma came home and momma could take him. He wanted to be with momma. I explained momma called me and asked me to get him, we would meet her at the ER. I managed to remember getting his meds, and his cell phone before we got out the door and headed to the hospital.
While on our way I asked him questions of his pain number, where the pain was located, kind of pain, how long ago did it start, where did it start, did he have this symptom or that and then it was time to get out of the car and go into the ER. He didn't want me to drop him off and park the car he wanted to walk with me in. Choose my battles I thought. Okay. I parked as close to the door as possible and got him inside. From there talking to triage nurses, intake, admission, cardiologists, Dr.'s and nurses they began drawing blood samples, EKG's, heart monitor, temp, blood pressure, questions more questions, chest x-ray, more questions, more blood samples for them to come in and say you've had a heart-attack. The EKG is reading okay now but you did produce elevated Triponin levels.
Three hours later we were told he would be kept overnight for them to perform and angioplasty in the morning to find out where we needed to go from there.
This morning was a rush of dropping one child off at school, running an errand that couldn't wait and getting up to the hospital. Going to his room, I found they had already taken him down to start the procedure. I met him just before him going in.
An hour and ten minutes later his doctor came to let us know one artery was 99% blocked and a second artery is 60% blocked. A stint was placed in the 99% blocked one and that the one that is 60% blocked would have to wait until it reached 70-75% before they could place a stint into it. He cannot have the surgery that was scheduled for December 18th, and needs to be on blood thinner for one year before another surgery can be performed.
I write this to remind myself that in a blink of an eye I can lose someone I love. If I do not care for myself I will not be here for my loved ones when someone is needed. I want to be here and I do not want a premature death.
I received a phone call from momma that daddy called her and needed to be taken to the emergency room, the nurse felt he was having a heart-attack. I could barely understand her, and when I hung up I questioned did I really hear her right?
I quickly looked at my husband, grabbed my purse, my cell phone and yelled as I began running down our over warn carpeted steps daddy's having a heart-attack I need to go help him for momma.
I got in the van, started it up and away we went. I looked over and my son was beside me putting on his flip-flops. Well I knew I wasn't alone and needed to keep my composure. I didn't even put my seat belt on, went to the stop-sign turned left, and sped to their home within four seconds. I got out ran to the door (against Dr.s orders of running) and tried to open the door. Locked. I fumbled through the four keys on the keyring trying to get the right key into the keyhole. I turned that key every way but the right way, finally the three locks unlocked I was able to get through the front door. I yelled out Daddy to him. He answered I'm in my room. There to the left of the stairway, down a small way, was the room they dubbed the "computer" room. Dad had an over sized chair, his large TV to watch his sports, his computer table, his laptop and his desktop in there. He was watching his soap. As I had walked in the door I yelled to my son, grab the kids (aka 9 week old brother and sister Siamese mix kittens) and put them in their room upstairs. He did so taking large steps missing others to get to the top quickly.
Daddy in his over sized chair, looking comfortable and not a care in the world looked shocked to see me. I asked why wasn't he ready. He said he wanted to wait until momma came home and momma could take him. He wanted to be with momma. I explained momma called me and asked me to get him, we would meet her at the ER. I managed to remember getting his meds, and his cell phone before we got out the door and headed to the hospital.
While on our way I asked him questions of his pain number, where the pain was located, kind of pain, how long ago did it start, where did it start, did he have this symptom or that and then it was time to get out of the car and go into the ER. He didn't want me to drop him off and park the car he wanted to walk with me in. Choose my battles I thought. Okay. I parked as close to the door as possible and got him inside. From there talking to triage nurses, intake, admission, cardiologists, Dr.'s and nurses they began drawing blood samples, EKG's, heart monitor, temp, blood pressure, questions more questions, chest x-ray, more questions, more blood samples for them to come in and say you've had a heart-attack. The EKG is reading okay now but you did produce elevated Triponin levels.
Three hours later we were told he would be kept overnight for them to perform and angioplasty in the morning to find out where we needed to go from there.
This morning was a rush of dropping one child off at school, running an errand that couldn't wait and getting up to the hospital. Going to his room, I found they had already taken him down to start the procedure. I met him just before him going in.
An hour and ten minutes later his doctor came to let us know one artery was 99% blocked and a second artery is 60% blocked. A stint was placed in the 99% blocked one and that the one that is 60% blocked would have to wait until it reached 70-75% before they could place a stint into it. He cannot have the surgery that was scheduled for December 18th, and needs to be on blood thinner for one year before another surgery can be performed.
I write this to remind myself that in a blink of an eye I can lose someone I love. If I do not care for myself I will not be here for my loved ones when someone is needed. I want to be here and I do not want a premature death.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Food Journal for Day 06
1 egg
1 jimmy dean lite turkey sausage
1 c diced potatoes
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Lunch: Salmon Patty Thomas Thin Bagel 1 Tbs tarter sauce
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Not pictured:
2 lean pocket, chicken, bacon dijon's
Day 06
I'm not feeling well. I didn't feel well yesterday. I have a dull migraine that won't go away for the last two days. I've drank lots of water. Yesterday I didn't get anything accomplished. No homework, no housework, the only was putting dinner on the table for the family. I went to bed early and fell asleep early. Those that know me know that this is not normal for me. I am a night owl by nature, and get up early in the morning usually functioning on 6 or less hours of sleep. It wasn't a restful sleep either. I tossed and turned waking up from pain in my back or muscles. My feet hot. My running joke in the family is if my feet are cold I'm normal, if my feet are hot I'm sick.
I feel off even for not really writing in my morning pages yesterday. I can't believe how much of a habit this was and a release that it was for me and me being off a day throws my whole day off.
My body aches. Is it weight? Is it something else?
I've decided to keep my food journal to one post but post the whole day's food journal on the post.
I'm not really hungry, but not really thirsty either. Something seems off. I need to think about it and find out what it is.
I feel off even for not really writing in my morning pages yesterday. I can't believe how much of a habit this was and a release that it was for me and me being off a day throws my whole day off.
My body aches. Is it weight? Is it something else?
I've decided to keep my food journal to one post but post the whole day's food journal on the post.
I'm not really hungry, but not really thirsty either. Something seems off. I need to think about it and find out what it is.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
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Lox a Good
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1 bagel thin (Thomas)
1 TBS cream cheese whipped
3 oz lox
I wish there was more. Realized I might be hungry. But will wait and see if I really am.
Day 05
This morning I had to run to the store to get laundry soap and fabric softener. I normally would grab a coke or diet coke to grab something to drink when I'm out. This time I surprised myself and grabbed a life water and vitamin water. I never do this.
I drank it with such pleasure. No guilt.
My back is aching again. I'm going to bring this up with the Dr. I've noticed increased headaches, muscle aches, back aches (in the morning)
I drank it with such pleasure. No guilt.
My back is aching again. I'm going to bring this up with the Dr. I've noticed increased headaches, muscle aches, back aches (in the morning)
Monday, November 12, 2012
12 Angry Oreos
12 oreos..I ate 12 oreos..Thank goodness there were no more, I might have ate some more.
I think I binged because of us having to get after son. He's been slacking in his household responsibilities and making excuses. We've let things slide but today was my breaking point. Now I feel guilty for having to get mean/tough with him.
I think I binged because of us having to get after son. He's been slacking in his household responsibilities and making excuses. We've let things slide but today was my breaking point. Now I feel guilty for having to get mean/tough with him.
Pork n Out
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Scrounging.
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I'm a Grown Up
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1 egg
1 turkey lite jimmy dean sausage
1 c diced potatoes
My youngest asked me why I always seem to cook eggs and hashbrowns for myself. I thought about it for awhile and came up with this answer.
When I was growing up, my breakfasts consisted of cereal, and on the weekend if we had the money my mother would make french toast or pancakes. Very rarely did we get eggs and hashbrowns.
If we got the opportunity to go out mom would always order pancakes, but I would ask for egg and hashbrowns. It was a treat and as long as it was cheaper than Mom and Dad's menu item I could have it. So I would order the child's version. I loved it and felt so grown up eating in a restaurant grown up food, or what I thought was grown up food.
Occasionally I still have cereal, or I may have a waffle, french toast or a pancake. But my number one breakfast is eggs and hashbrowns. Silly as it may seem, at 44 I feel like a grown up eating eggs and hashbrowns.
Day 04
No alarm today, kids didn't have to go to school, yet I awake just before 8am. I guess it was for the purpose to give grandma her meds.
My lower back aches but not my hips this morning. Did I sleep wrong? I know that at one point I had hot flashes last night and woke up soaked. Dr. keeps saying I'm too young to go through this but I don't know what else it could be.
It's doing that mist rain outside. That stuff is annoying. Just a fine mist.
I went back and forth this morning on what to cook for dinner. I even started last night in a conversation with Beth via Facebook on what I should make for dinner. Well pork roast in the crock pot won this morning. With the rain, damp, cold air it just seemed a roast in the crock pot was more fitting.
Though I dislike this kind of weather, it is the right kind of weather to go to the ocean and see unburried treasures.
It's time to go make some breakfast, and then get cracking on my studies. I have 40 pages of Accounting to read today and study.
My lower back aches but not my hips this morning. Did I sleep wrong? I know that at one point I had hot flashes last night and woke up soaked. Dr. keeps saying I'm too young to go through this but I don't know what else it could be.
It's doing that mist rain outside. That stuff is annoying. Just a fine mist.
I went back and forth this morning on what to cook for dinner. I even started last night in a conversation with Beth via Facebook on what I should make for dinner. Well pork roast in the crock pot won this morning. With the rain, damp, cold air it just seemed a roast in the crock pot was more fitting.
Though I dislike this kind of weather, it is the right kind of weather to go to the ocean and see unburried treasures.
It's time to go make some breakfast, and then get cracking on my studies. I have 40 pages of Accounting to read today and study.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Hunger Calls
I'm talking stomach growling, audible to the hubby. I saw some milk in the fridge when I made dinner tonight and I was set to have a bowl of cereal. Generic Chocolate Rice Crispies and cold milk. I poured the bowl. A little over 1 cup, maybe 1-1/2 cups. Went to go get the milk and it was gone. WHAT!!! Who drank the last of the milk? There was over a quarter gallon before dinner.
So I went back to the fridge and stared at the shelves. These shelves were filled not more than a week ago and now they are looking pretty scarce.
A package of lox sat on the shelf undisturbed, the next shelf a freshly opened package of whipped cream cheese. I shut the door, taking two steps to the right to the cupboard door, crossing fingers as I opened it. The big bagels were gone. BUT...I had Thomas bagel thins. YES!! I can make a lox bagel.
So with that I made a lox, cream cheese thin bagel. No I did not get a picture. But I am journaling it.
Yes it is at 9pm but I do not want to binge tomorrow, or eat mindlessly. I'm liking this program and can see some changes. Small steps is all I need to lead me to new changes.
So I went back to the fridge and stared at the shelves. These shelves were filled not more than a week ago and now they are looking pretty scarce.
A package of lox sat on the shelf undisturbed, the next shelf a freshly opened package of whipped cream cheese. I shut the door, taking two steps to the right to the cupboard door, crossing fingers as I opened it. The big bagels were gone. BUT...I had Thomas bagel thins. YES!! I can make a lox bagel.
So with that I made a lox, cream cheese thin bagel. No I did not get a picture. But I am journaling it.
Yes it is at 9pm but I do not want to binge tomorrow, or eat mindlessly. I'm liking this program and can see some changes. Small steps is all I need to lead me to new changes.
Biscuits & Gravy
After putting in 6 hours of studying and working on my team assignment for psychology I've finished until I hear feedback and more students participate. No filing today.
I'm about to go fix dinner and it will be biscuits and gravy. It's cold and wet outside and this is comfort food..JPG)
And here it is. Two bisquick biscuits with sausage country gravy. That is my dinner. It satisfied my craving and thoughts from yesterday and I don't have to go hog wild like I have been. it's okay to stop at two. It's okay to stop. Retrain the brain.
My head is overstimulated on "learning" in psychology. I found it interesting this week, "classical conditioning" something that I need to apply to myself when working on my weightloss and my new improved attitude. Just need to figure out what the negative/positive reinforcements will be (well positive is pretty much a given, weight loss, new clothes, healthier feeling, higher self-esteem)
I'm tired, but a good tired. I feel like I got something accomplished. I wasn't just sitting around being lazy.
I'm about to go fix dinner and it will be biscuits and gravy. It's cold and wet outside and this is comfort food.
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And here it is. Two bisquick biscuits with sausage country gravy. That is my dinner. It satisfied my craving and thoughts from yesterday and I don't have to go hog wild like I have been. it's okay to stop at two. It's okay to stop. Retrain the brain.
My head is overstimulated on "learning" in psychology. I found it interesting this week, "classical conditioning" something that I need to apply to myself when working on my weightloss and my new improved attitude. Just need to figure out what the negative/positive reinforcements will be (well positive is pretty much a given, weight loss, new clothes, healthier feeling, higher self-esteem)
I'm tired, but a good tired. I feel like I got something accomplished. I wasn't just sitting around being lazy.
Breakfast Journal
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| 11/11 Breakfast
Two hours after morning pages I decided that I was hungry. Rather than going down the road I traveled yesterday in this journey I decided to get off at a different exit and try something oddly familiar back in the day when I did pay attention to myself.
As the picture states I had;
The egg cooked over medium, the yolk cracked over the hash browns just the way I liked it. I enjoyed each bite knowing I was under 300 calories for the whole thing. No guilt. No shame. Pleasure from the textures. Pleasure from the tastes. I can do this again. Now I need to get cracking on my studies. Hopefully I fueled myself right that I won't get tired.
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Day 03
I am awakened to an annoying to me child's program, and suddenly I feel pains in my hips and lower back. It's not the bed. It's two years old. It's me. I've gained weight in the last two years and the weight is now creating havoc on my joints and muscles during the upcoming cold winter months. The news is better to me than this show so I change the channel.
I slept well last night, somewhere in the night though my hubby got up and left the room. His sleep machine is still here, so I'm guessing he left because of difficulty breathing with a new cold that has developed yesterday. Now I feel bad, as I just told him the night before, him snoring into his sleep machine was so loud the night before it kept me awake and agitated. When will I learn to keep my mouth shut with him.
The pile of paper (filing) still stares at me and if it's nice to me I'll try working on it and making it smaller, slimmer today. (Oh to be a pile of paper. If it were only that easy.) But first I have to do some reading for my classes, Financial Accounting, Word Processing, and General Psychology. I have two team assignments this week that need to have my part banged out early. So I'll be doing those subjects first before the other one. My goal for the week is to be done with classes by Wednesday.
This weeks agenda; college homework, PTA functions Tuesday-Friday (with family movie night for PTA on Friday) taking my bug to the Dr. on Thursday to check her broken arm/wrist. (I'm praying it's not worse as she's been complaining about it more.) And then Grandma's physical therapy, with a run to the Dr. to get x-rays in her knees.
I look forward to the upcoming holiday with my aunt coming over and staying with us for five days. Blockus (one of our favorite games) is ready. I'm going through some recipes that we used to do some holiday baking with when gram lived at her house and I'm creating a list so I can go to the grocery store and get the supplies. Gram made these chocolate balls that everyone loved and I thought it would be fun to make those again this year. We haven't done that in a few years. Auntie could take some home with her. Mom got our pictures back from our Maui trip and it would be nice to see them on the TV screen with grandma. Spending time with auntie always makes me feel good, and a little sad. Sad that we didn't get closer sooner and sad that she has to return to her home across the water.
Our goal for the next two weeks is to get grandma moving so she can come up the stairs with minimal pain so that she can be upstairs with us for the holiday weekend at dinner time. I want her as comfortable as possible. I worry about her. She chooses not to do the exercises given to her.
Yet I should talk. I have yet to brush my teeth three times a day as asked of me, exercise, eat right, lose weight, or have surgery again on my feet. Why is it that we can quickly administer judgement, criticism of others for not following dr.'s orders but when it comes to ourselves we offer every excuse in the book as to why we can't, won't, or don't have to follow dr.'s orders. (My husband is the same way).
I get after my son for this about all of his dr.'s appointments and yet he looks at me, and I feel like a hypocrite, and it's pointed out to me by him that he learned his behavior/patterns from "ME". At this point I would not say that is what I want him to follow. Why couldn't he follow my work ethic? That would be a great one for him to follow. I want him to get a job, but he seems to have no ambition. We've told him that we can't keep paying for his things. He is picky about everything he wears from the deodorant to the clothing/shoes. He has more clothes than me. He gets something wears it and then says he doesn't like it because someone made a comment, it didn't wash right, or it doesn't fit now the way he wants it to after washing it. And what's worse as the years have gone by I have not realized until this year, I enabled this behavior and to try and explain that to him, that it needs to stop is hard. He has difficulty responding to change. (He doesn't hesitate to create it though.)
I have no plans for doing Black Friday. At this point I don't know what our Christmas will be like for the kids. That has me worried. With hubby's overtime completely cut off we are barely scraping by month after month. He's unhappy with his job and wants to be transferred but won't get up the guts and go ask. He loves his old job and wants to go back to it. I frankly don't care where he works, I just want him happy. If it means selling everything to live in a cardboard box to make him happy I'm willing to do this. You know it's bad when you can't even afford to do the annual glitz/glamour of the goodwill store sale.
The call of the ocean is loud and strong. I want to go back to Maui. Wishing hubby will want to go with me. Wanting to be healthier when I go so that I can enjoy the heat more. Why is it when you are heavy you hate the "heat" and can't stand the "cold"? Do you think the divine maker designed us that way? Seriously as if it is a barometer to say you're getting miserable with this weather, time to lose some weight. Or is this just some strange thought coming from me? I want to live by the ocean. I love watching waves crash, the birds flock to a location and take off from the location. I love watching the animals in their elements seeing sea lions, seals, whales, dolphins, birds, in the water. Something about it all calms me. I love walking the sandy beaches looking for the treasures the ocean delivers to the earth. A former home of a crab or snail, a sand-dollar, a Japanese glass ball that has broken loose from a fishing net across the waters, a star-fish that didn't make it back, a crab tiny or large, a limpid, a muscle, barnacles shaved, jagged and cluttering a rock, different sea grasses and kelp littering the tide lines, the smell of the salt water, with a wisp of wind to blow your hair across your face at times, temporarily blinding your vision path. This all brings me pleasure. No agenda, to be able to walk as far as I want, not worrying about a schedule of having to be somewhere at sometime, to watch birds argue for that morsel of sea life, or bread someone has thrown at them it all all breathes new life into me. I wish there was a way I could live near the water. Not the lake, not the river, but the ocean or sound. With property prices as high as they are I don't foresee it unless I rent. The rent will be sky high for the view I want.
The back and hips are aching less as I type my morning pages. Must mean the pressure points from laying down are getting reprieved. Too bad the fat doesn't melt away while you are asleep or awake.
I wish that I had the body I did when I was in high school (26 years I have done some serious damage to this body).
I slept well last night, somewhere in the night though my hubby got up and left the room. His sleep machine is still here, so I'm guessing he left because of difficulty breathing with a new cold that has developed yesterday. Now I feel bad, as I just told him the night before, him snoring into his sleep machine was so loud the night before it kept me awake and agitated. When will I learn to keep my mouth shut with him.
The pile of paper (filing) still stares at me and if it's nice to me I'll try working on it and making it smaller, slimmer today. (Oh to be a pile of paper. If it were only that easy.) But first I have to do some reading for my classes, Financial Accounting, Word Processing, and General Psychology. I have two team assignments this week that need to have my part banged out early. So I'll be doing those subjects first before the other one. My goal for the week is to be done with classes by Wednesday.
This weeks agenda; college homework, PTA functions Tuesday-Friday (with family movie night for PTA on Friday) taking my bug to the Dr. on Thursday to check her broken arm/wrist. (I'm praying it's not worse as she's been complaining about it more.) And then Grandma's physical therapy, with a run to the Dr. to get x-rays in her knees.
I look forward to the upcoming holiday with my aunt coming over and staying with us for five days. Blockus (one of our favorite games) is ready. I'm going through some recipes that we used to do some holiday baking with when gram lived at her house and I'm creating a list so I can go to the grocery store and get the supplies. Gram made these chocolate balls that everyone loved and I thought it would be fun to make those again this year. We haven't done that in a few years. Auntie could take some home with her. Mom got our pictures back from our Maui trip and it would be nice to see them on the TV screen with grandma. Spending time with auntie always makes me feel good, and a little sad. Sad that we didn't get closer sooner and sad that she has to return to her home across the water.
Our goal for the next two weeks is to get grandma moving so she can come up the stairs with minimal pain so that she can be upstairs with us for the holiday weekend at dinner time. I want her as comfortable as possible. I worry about her. She chooses not to do the exercises given to her.
Yet I should talk. I have yet to brush my teeth three times a day as asked of me, exercise, eat right, lose weight, or have surgery again on my feet. Why is it that we can quickly administer judgement, criticism of others for not following dr.'s orders but when it comes to ourselves we offer every excuse in the book as to why we can't, won't, or don't have to follow dr.'s orders. (My husband is the same way).
I get after my son for this about all of his dr.'s appointments and yet he looks at me, and I feel like a hypocrite, and it's pointed out to me by him that he learned his behavior/patterns from "ME". At this point I would not say that is what I want him to follow. Why couldn't he follow my work ethic? That would be a great one for him to follow. I want him to get a job, but he seems to have no ambition. We've told him that we can't keep paying for his things. He is picky about everything he wears from the deodorant to the clothing/shoes. He has more clothes than me. He gets something wears it and then says he doesn't like it because someone made a comment, it didn't wash right, or it doesn't fit now the way he wants it to after washing it. And what's worse as the years have gone by I have not realized until this year, I enabled this behavior and to try and explain that to him, that it needs to stop is hard. He has difficulty responding to change. (He doesn't hesitate to create it though.)
I have no plans for doing Black Friday. At this point I don't know what our Christmas will be like for the kids. That has me worried. With hubby's overtime completely cut off we are barely scraping by month after month. He's unhappy with his job and wants to be transferred but won't get up the guts and go ask. He loves his old job and wants to go back to it. I frankly don't care where he works, I just want him happy. If it means selling everything to live in a cardboard box to make him happy I'm willing to do this. You know it's bad when you can't even afford to do the annual glitz/glamour of the goodwill store sale.
The call of the ocean is loud and strong. I want to go back to Maui. Wishing hubby will want to go with me. Wanting to be healthier when I go so that I can enjoy the heat more. Why is it when you are heavy you hate the "heat" and can't stand the "cold"? Do you think the divine maker designed us that way? Seriously as if it is a barometer to say you're getting miserable with this weather, time to lose some weight. Or is this just some strange thought coming from me? I want to live by the ocean. I love watching waves crash, the birds flock to a location and take off from the location. I love watching the animals in their elements seeing sea lions, seals, whales, dolphins, birds, in the water. Something about it all calms me. I love walking the sandy beaches looking for the treasures the ocean delivers to the earth. A former home of a crab or snail, a sand-dollar, a Japanese glass ball that has broken loose from a fishing net across the waters, a star-fish that didn't make it back, a crab tiny or large, a limpid, a muscle, barnacles shaved, jagged and cluttering a rock, different sea grasses and kelp littering the tide lines, the smell of the salt water, with a wisp of wind to blow your hair across your face at times, temporarily blinding your vision path. This all brings me pleasure. No agenda, to be able to walk as far as I want, not worrying about a schedule of having to be somewhere at sometime, to watch birds argue for that morsel of sea life, or bread someone has thrown at them it all all breathes new life into me. I wish there was a way I could live near the water. Not the lake, not the river, but the ocean or sound. With property prices as high as they are I don't foresee it unless I rent. The rent will be sky high for the view I want.
The back and hips are aching less as I type my morning pages. Must mean the pressure points from laying down are getting reprieved. Too bad the fat doesn't melt away while you are asleep or awake.
I wish that I had the body I did when I was in high school (26 years I have done some serious damage to this body).
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Snacking
It was close to nine o'clock and hubby asked if he could get me anything. I asked for cheese popcorn. We had one more bag and he graciously popped it for me. So was I craving cheese today. First Doritos, taquitos, now cheese popcorn. Was I craving carbs today?
This is crazy.
New developments with oldest. I've learned she's had no health care since August 14 in the ER. This means almost three months of no prenatal check ups and care for her. What is she doing to this baby? Is this even the truth? My heart aches for this unborn child. Am I attached already? Do I get involved? Do I just watch? I did not bring her up this way. Why is she making this choices? Why am I trying to control this? UGH!!!
I want to smack her and say wake up. But what good would that do. She has her choices, and her agency to make and I must follow my own path and destiny. I have two children remaining at home, that need my attention and a grandmother that needs my attention along with my husband.
I lay here and think of husband's parents, wondering how his mother is tonight. Is she in pain? It wasn't too long ago that we received an email she was diagnosed with cancer. Hubby has shut that part of his life off. Too hurt and scarred by them from his past. Is this why he has weight problems? I need to focus on me. I am here to focus on me.
But I hate that. Why? I'm worth it right? Other's say I am but why don't I believe it?
This is crazy.
New developments with oldest. I've learned she's had no health care since August 14 in the ER. This means almost three months of no prenatal check ups and care for her. What is she doing to this baby? Is this even the truth? My heart aches for this unborn child. Am I attached already? Do I get involved? Do I just watch? I did not bring her up this way. Why is she making this choices? Why am I trying to control this? UGH!!!
I want to smack her and say wake up. But what good would that do. She has her choices, and her agency to make and I must follow my own path and destiny. I have two children remaining at home, that need my attention and a grandmother that needs my attention along with my husband.
I lay here and think of husband's parents, wondering how his mother is tonight. Is she in pain? It wasn't too long ago that we received an email she was diagnosed with cancer. Hubby has shut that part of his life off. Too hurt and scarred by them from his past. Is this why he has weight problems? I need to focus on me. I am here to focus on me.
But I hate that. Why? I'm worth it right? Other's say I am but why don't I believe it?
Lack of Hunger
Came down with a migraine, hubby was kind and heated up some taquitos for dinner. (Frozen in the box kind) and I was thankful that I didn't have to cook with this migraine.
I've had 5 taquitos so far, dipping them in sour cream. Each has the end crunch, Tender, soft in the middle, filled with shredded beef in one, cheese in another, and shredded chicken in another. How am I feeling? It's filling. I'm not really hungry. I feel no hunger pains. I actually haven't felt those in days.
Maybe this will make my migraine go away. Maybe this is why I have a migraine. Now I have thirst. Oh brother
I've had 5 taquitos so far, dipping them in sour cream. Each has the end crunch, Tender, soft in the middle, filled with shredded beef in one, cheese in another, and shredded chicken in another. How am I feeling? It's filling. I'm not really hungry. I feel no hunger pains. I actually haven't felt those in days.
Maybe this will make my migraine go away. Maybe this is why I have a migraine. Now I have thirst. Oh brother
Dorito Binge
Well that was stupid! I just ate a bowl of Doritos. I'm am talking a small mixing bowl. Now I feel like a pig, cow and whatever other farm animal comes to mind. Thank God it wasn't the whole bag of Doritos.
Currently feeling full, bloated, ashamed, judgemental of myself.
Why did I eat that much? What was going on?
I felt so accomplished. I cleaned the closet and got all of my PTA stuff cleaned up and organized. I got rid of clothing that was too big or way too small and wouldn't fit for a long time. I felt so much better that was all tackled. I didn't have it looking at me, calling me, nagging me to clean it up.
My first bit of food for the day and I chose Doritos. Not eggs, cereal or oatmeal..Doritos. Talk about timing and choices.
I enjoyed the first few bites of the Doritos, the nacho cheese flavor, the crisp edges, and the crunch of the bite. So why can't I just stop after one (1)? Was I afraid if I didn't eat it all someone else will? Was I afraid of them going stale? Was I afraid to not finish it? I need to give myself permission to walk away from food. I don't have to be a member of the clean plate club. Momma isn't gonna bust my chops now. Momma is not here to judge me and doesn't care if my plate is clean or not.
Now I taste almost an oily feeling in my mouth, from the Doritos. It's no longer enjoyable, no nacho cheese flavor residual. no crunch. Spots of a tender tongue that got poked by the corners of the Doritos. Not a pleasurable feeling or after experience. REMEMBER this.
Currently feeling full, bloated, ashamed, judgemental of myself.
Why did I eat that much? What was going on?
I felt so accomplished. I cleaned the closet and got all of my PTA stuff cleaned up and organized. I got rid of clothing that was too big or way too small and wouldn't fit for a long time. I felt so much better that was all tackled. I didn't have it looking at me, calling me, nagging me to clean it up.
My first bit of food for the day and I chose Doritos. Not eggs, cereal or oatmeal..Doritos. Talk about timing and choices.
I enjoyed the first few bites of the Doritos, the nacho cheese flavor, the crisp edges, and the crunch of the bite. So why can't I just stop after one (1)? Was I afraid if I didn't eat it all someone else will? Was I afraid of them going stale? Was I afraid to not finish it? I need to give myself permission to walk away from food. I don't have to be a member of the clean plate club. Momma isn't gonna bust my chops now. Momma is not here to judge me and doesn't care if my plate is clean or not.
Now I taste almost an oily feeling in my mouth, from the Doritos. It's no longer enjoyable, no nacho cheese flavor residual. no crunch. Spots of a tender tongue that got poked by the corners of the Doritos. Not a pleasurable feeling or after experience. REMEMBER this.
Day 02
I must be retaining water. I was up almost every two hours going to the bathroom. Hubby seems to be able to go right back to sleep. I envy him.
The closet looks like it threw up PTA in there. I need to remove the summer clothes and clothes that don't fit from there. Oh gee. Clothes that don't fit. How I wish they did. My family has more clothes than I do even with me going to Value Village to buy my own clothes.
The filing is spilling over on to the floor, I really need to get that done today. I think I would feel better if I got some of that done. Why would I feel better? It wouldn't be there staring at me, as if it is nagging me to get it done. I feel at times I'm not doing enough. I finally got the dining room table cleaned off. The PTA did throw up on that one. Now it resembles a fall setting dining room table that family can sit down at for a meal.
I want a new laptop and I keep leaning now toward a Mac. But do I really want to change a Mac or should I stay with PC. The decision will wind up coming down to price or what I talk myself out of. I would like to replace my lens on my camera too. My standard lens doesn't work anymore. My telephoto still works but this vacation, it was hard, wanting to take close ups and stand 30-50 feet away just to the picture I wanted from less than 5 feet.
I've read chapter one, and chapter two in Writing to the Right Size. Chapter one is to right what ever comes to mind in the morning for an hour or less. Chapter two is to record/journal everything I eat, my urge for eating and why I think I want to eat.
And right now all I can think about is biscuits and gravy. What is wrong with me? It's comfort food. It's my comfort food. I just want to hibernate. I want to crawl in a cave and sleep. Why does winter do this to me? I need to be more active in the winter. I need to be more active in the house.
It was confirmed yesterday that oldest is pregnant. My son sent me pictures she sent him. An ultrasound with her name and image of a baby in it. I am not ready to be a grandma. I am 44 years old. I haven't finished raising my babies (17, 11) yet. Why is my 19 year old having a baby? Why didn't she listen to me? Why is she making these choices? Why???? I can't control her. I just need to let it go and let it be. She is over 18 now and is responsible for her life. Not me. But why do I feel like what she does is a direct reflection upon me and I'm being judged by her mistakes? Maybe it's how I felt because of my father. I had to be perfect to make him look good. Maybe that's one of the reasons I no longer talk to him. I want yogurt and granola but I ate all the granola. Why do I want it? Dang a yoplait commercial just aired. So I am hungry why do I want to eat now? I was writing about my stresses. My daughter, my father. Wow. Maybe this does work. If I can channel this and note more, I'll need to write to Julia Cameron and tell her thank you.
Well it's not been an hour but it's been enough that now I want to go clean my closet and make it welcoming for me to walk into it again. Nothing hidden, discouraging, and un-orderly just clothing with a bit of storage.
The closet looks like it threw up PTA in there. I need to remove the summer clothes and clothes that don't fit from there. Oh gee. Clothes that don't fit. How I wish they did. My family has more clothes than I do even with me going to Value Village to buy my own clothes.
The filing is spilling over on to the floor, I really need to get that done today. I think I would feel better if I got some of that done. Why would I feel better? It wouldn't be there staring at me, as if it is nagging me to get it done. I feel at times I'm not doing enough. I finally got the dining room table cleaned off. The PTA did throw up on that one. Now it resembles a fall setting dining room table that family can sit down at for a meal.
I want a new laptop and I keep leaning now toward a Mac. But do I really want to change a Mac or should I stay with PC. The decision will wind up coming down to price or what I talk myself out of. I would like to replace my lens on my camera too. My standard lens doesn't work anymore. My telephoto still works but this vacation, it was hard, wanting to take close ups and stand 30-50 feet away just to the picture I wanted from less than 5 feet.
I've read chapter one, and chapter two in Writing to the Right Size. Chapter one is to right what ever comes to mind in the morning for an hour or less. Chapter two is to record/journal everything I eat, my urge for eating and why I think I want to eat.
And right now all I can think about is biscuits and gravy. What is wrong with me? It's comfort food. It's my comfort food. I just want to hibernate. I want to crawl in a cave and sleep. Why does winter do this to me? I need to be more active in the winter. I need to be more active in the house.
It was confirmed yesterday that oldest is pregnant. My son sent me pictures she sent him. An ultrasound with her name and image of a baby in it. I am not ready to be a grandma. I am 44 years old. I haven't finished raising my babies (17, 11) yet. Why is my 19 year old having a baby? Why didn't she listen to me? Why is she making these choices? Why???? I can't control her. I just need to let it go and let it be. She is over 18 now and is responsible for her life. Not me. But why do I feel like what she does is a direct reflection upon me and I'm being judged by her mistakes? Maybe it's how I felt because of my father. I had to be perfect to make him look good. Maybe that's one of the reasons I no longer talk to him. I want yogurt and granola but I ate all the granola. Why do I want it? Dang a yoplait commercial just aired. So I am hungry why do I want to eat now? I was writing about my stresses. My daughter, my father. Wow. Maybe this does work. If I can channel this and note more, I'll need to write to Julia Cameron and tell her thank you.
Well it's not been an hour but it's been enough that now I want to go clean my closet and make it welcoming for me to walk into it again. Nothing hidden, discouraging, and un-orderly just clothing with a bit of storage.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Day 01
I'm tired, and didn't get to sleep until after 12am. Hubby snored, tossed, turned, and was louder than normal. Why does he get good sleep and I suffer? I don't want to get up. Wonder if bug really wants to go to school? Wonder how grandma will act today? Will she bark orders at me or be thankful? Or will she be forgetful. Can't I just stay in bed? No. I should get up. I can work on PTA stuff, check in with my classes and see if there are things I can bang off my to do list. Maybe I can eat out. No. Eating out gets me into trouble. I order too much. I order unhealthy. I don't need to be spending money. I need to be saving money. I need to be cooking at home. Why do I suddenly hate cooking? I used to love cooking. I have tons of free books downloaded from Amazon, and I have yet to go through them and try the new recipes. What good does it do me if there are sitting there and I don't use them.
Wonder if we'll hear from oldest today? I wonder if she's really pregnant? Is this another lie she's spinning? I wish she would just wise up and start telling the truth. I wish she would grow up. I wish she would tell hubby she's sorry for the lies she told that nearly destroyed us. I wish she'd get real help. Does any of this really matter though? What would I do if she came back to my door? Would I ignore her, welcome her, or send her on her way? How can I ever trust her again?
I miss Robyn. I miss Beth. I miss Temera. I need to sit down and carve some time out to see them. I feel so much better after seeing them. I feel better about myself and better about things in general. They seem to help me put things into perspective and somehow help me see things clearer. I don't know how they do it.
Need to get up and start moving. I don't have time for a shower now. Oh well, not really doing anything anyway today.
Wonder if we'll hear from oldest today? I wonder if she's really pregnant? Is this another lie she's spinning? I wish she would just wise up and start telling the truth. I wish she would grow up. I wish she would tell hubby she's sorry for the lies she told that nearly destroyed us. I wish she'd get real help. Does any of this really matter though? What would I do if she came back to my door? Would I ignore her, welcome her, or send her on her way? How can I ever trust her again?
I miss Robyn. I miss Beth. I miss Temera. I need to sit down and carve some time out to see them. I feel so much better after seeing them. I feel better about myself and better about things in general. They seem to help me put things into perspective and somehow help me see things clearer. I don't know how they do it.
Need to get up and start moving. I don't have time for a shower now. Oh well, not really doing anything anyway today.
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