Snacking

It was close to nine o'clock and hubby asked if he could get me anything. I asked for cheese popcorn. We had one more bag and he graciously popped it for me. So was I craving cheese today. First Doritos, taquitos, now cheese popcorn. Was I craving carbs today?

This is crazy.

New developments with oldest. I've learned she's had no health care since August 14 in the ER. This means almost three months of no prenatal check ups and care for her. What is she doing to this baby? Is this even the truth? My heart aches for this unborn child. Am I attached already? Do I get involved? Do I just watch? I did not bring her up this way. Why is she making this choices? Why am I trying to control this? UGH!!!

I want to smack her and say wake up. But what good would that do. She has her choices, and her agency to make and I must follow my own path and destiny. I have two children remaining at home, that need my attention and a grandmother that needs my attention along with my husband.

I lay here and think of husband's parents, wondering how his mother is tonight. Is she in pain? It wasn't too long ago that we received an email she was diagnosed with cancer. Hubby has shut that part of his life off. Too hurt and scarred by them from his past. Is this why he has weight problems? I need to focus on me. I am here to focus on me.

But I hate that. Why? I'm worth it right? Other's say I am but why don't I believe it?