Day 02

I must be retaining water. I was up almost every two hours going to the bathroom. Hubby seems to be able to go right back to sleep. I envy him.

The closet looks like it threw up PTA in there. I need to remove the summer clothes and clothes that don't fit from there. Oh gee. Clothes that don't fit. How I wish they did. My family has more clothes than I do even with me going to Value Village to buy my own clothes.

The filing is spilling over on to the floor, I really need to get that done today. I think I would feel better if I got some of that done. Why would I feel better? It wouldn't be there staring at me, as if it is nagging me to get it done. I feel at times I'm not doing enough. I finally got the dining room table cleaned off. The PTA did throw up on that one. Now it resembles a fall setting dining room table that family can sit down at for a meal.

I want a new laptop and I keep leaning now toward a Mac. But do I really want to change a Mac or should I stay with PC. The decision will wind up coming down to price or what I talk myself out of. I would like to replace my lens on my camera too. My standard lens doesn't work anymore. My telephoto still works but this vacation, it was hard, wanting to take close ups and stand 30-50 feet away just to the picture I wanted from less than 5 feet.

I've read chapter one, and chapter two in Writing to the Right Size. Chapter one is to right what ever comes to mind in the morning for an hour or less. Chapter two is to record/journal everything I eat, my urge for eating and why I think I want to eat.

And right now all I can think about is biscuits and gravy. What is wrong with me? It's comfort food. It's my comfort food. I just want to hibernate. I want to crawl in a cave and sleep. Why does winter do this to me? I need to be more active in the winter. I need to be more active in the house.

It was confirmed yesterday that oldest is pregnant. My son sent me pictures she sent him. An ultrasound with her name and image of a baby in it. I am not ready to be a grandma. I am 44 years old. I haven't finished raising my babies (17, 11) yet. Why is my 19 year old having a baby? Why didn't she listen to me? Why is she making these choices? Why???? I can't control her. I just need to let it go and let it be. She is over 18 now and is responsible for her life. Not me. But why do I feel like what she does is a direct reflection upon me and I'm being judged by her mistakes? Maybe it's how I felt because of my father. I had to be perfect to make him look good. Maybe that's one of the reasons I no longer talk to him. I want yogurt and granola but I ate all the granola. Why do I want it? Dang a yoplait commercial just aired. So I am hungry why do I want to eat now? I was writing about my stresses. My daughter, my father. Wow. Maybe this does work. If I can channel this and note more, I'll need to write to Julia Cameron and tell her thank you.

Well it's not been an hour but it's been enough that now I want to go clean my closet and make it welcoming for me to walk into it again. Nothing hidden, discouraging, and un-orderly just clothing with a bit of storage.