Day 01

I weighed in. My first weigh in of the year. I could spend the time crying over the number. But seeing the clothing size change, the way I sleep changed and just my overall health change I know that "I" did this to me and now I just need to do something about it again.

I have been on a yo-yo of dieting, binging, dieting and binging. In hindsight I think I felt my best when I was down to approximately 220 lbs in 2009. My therapist asked me what was happening then. Then, I was taking care of me, and putting me first every single day. I was in the zone to want to walk daily sometimes two or three times a day. I was moving. I was happy.

What happened? I let life crush me. I hold the pen, I hold the fork. I am responsible for me.

This afternoon was a cheeseburger that my son came home with. He had used his personal birthday money and was quite proud of it. The dollar menu. While I kept trying to tell him that I didn't need it, at 18 he says "mom, you can't just flip the switch cold turkey, and when you deprive yourself of things that give you pleasure it will make you binge later and be resentful." Either he's been listening to me through the years, listened to other people or was pretty smart on his own. So with that I smiled and remembered what Beth and Anita say. Smile and say "thank you". I did. I said thank you. He then brought me a Reese's peanut butter ice cream cup. Seven points according to WW.  I'll save that for after dinner.

My mentality has to change again. In looking at how I was before, and how I am now, I allow others to push their influence on me. I allow others to dictate what I can do, instead of taking control of my own as I did before. It doesn't work anymore. I'm not liking this side of me. Other's may be happy but I am not.

I am trapped inside a fat, morbidly obese body. I feel sneers, snickers, and whispers when I go outside the safety of my walls. I feel judged, ridiculed, and ostracized now by others. It's my perception.

I need to quit having the all or nothing mentality attitude. I am not perfect, I'm going to have good days and bad days. I will enjoy the treat from my son. It won't be often this happens. I've saved my calories and fats for this. I have nine points remaining for the day afterwards but I will stop. I'm not hungry anymore. Slow and Steady for me to enjoy the Journey!

But I will triumph..Because this year, I strive to be lean and build my self-esteem in 2013.