Meeting of the Minds

Phone dings. An email comes in. It's him. I haven't heard from him in almost two months. Last time I hear from him is a death in his family that he believes I should know about. Never met the family member. If I did I was too young to remember. His family hasn't exactly been the kindest in reaching out since his father died. We are after all the "odd" family.

The kids ask who it is, and I lie. It's just junk mail, no worries. How do I tell them, it's a family member who sent a two word group email? No phone calls and/or visits in the last three months of birthdays and Christmas.

It's a cat and mouse game. He's angry with me for not pursuing him. I'm angry that I have to pursue and continue to reassure myself that I am worthy of his love. Yet I question it.

I feel unable to be myself around him, every move, every thing about me is heavily scrutinized and questioned. Does it have a double meaning? What am I really saying versus taking what I say for face value.

The next day the phone rings at an ungodly hour. It's him. I'm not answering. He woke me up. Forget it. He can call me back at a decent hour. He hangs up before voicemail kicks in. Doesn't want to talk to me that bad. Just enough that it should make me call and find out what's wrong. But I won't. I can't. Not this time.

So much has happened in the last few months, and none of it concerns him, other than distancing myself further from him. I find that the dysfunction seems to be down because of him and the mood swings that follows after a visit with him have subsided.

I cannot keep putting my mental and physical health in this kind of torture device. I need to put myself first and also think of my family. My children do not need to experience this pain. They feel it already when he has excuses for not attending their birthdays and holidays. They feel it when he comes into my home and finds something to put me down about. My health, my home, my appearance, my parenting. Something.

My brother states I must accept "him" for what he is, for I cannot change him. I must respect him because he is my parent figure. Yet, when I ask if he would allow this to happen with him, he states he doesn't take it personally and let's it roll off his back. He has bigger things to be upset about versus this. This angers me. As if I am not validated by my brother who endures the same mental/emotional abuse that I do, but on a different scale. This man refused to have children because of the emotional abuse we endured for fear of repeating the cycle. Yet I didn't, thinking I could break the cycle.

I must decide now what to do. Totally walk away or do some deep soul searching and come to an understanding of the minds.